Low Brow

I recently had to reprimand Ally for sculpting poop out of brown play-doh and throwing it at her little sister. When said pseudo-poop was confiscated, she just shook her head and muttered, "Oh, man. I guess I'll have to go back to making poison."

(Gear shift)

Why is it every child has a fascination with feces? I mean, besides the obvious "Oh-wow-this-came-out-of-me? factor," what is there to laugh about? It's warm, squishy, and can clear a room through a super ultra protective odor-locking diaper with plastic undies and two pair of sweatpants. Any mature adult will tell you that excrement and/or any other bodily functions are not funny.

But for whatever reason (the sounds, the odors, the twenty thousand ways to describe dropping a load), some of us never grow out of it. (Heh-heh.) Shut up, Beavis! At least there will always be a market for potty humor as long as there are 7th grade boys...or anyone who used to be a 7th grade boy.

Maybe it's the connectivity factor. We all do it, so it must be funny, right? Maybe.

Just the other night, I was flipping channels--as I am wont to do when I can't sleep--and I paused for a moment on My Name is Earl. I never watch the show normally, but for some reason I followed for a minute or two. One dude (Randy) is supposedly trying to mentor an elementary-aged Hispanic kid (Oscar), just trying to be his buddy, a "big brother" or something. I don't remember. At one point Randy asks Oscar if he needs to go "drop a 'dos'." The kid nods and heads into the men's room. Randy then turns to Earl and 'translates': "In Spainsh, 'dos' means 'poop.' ("Little Bad Voodoo Brother" My Name Is Earl, Season 4, Episode 8. 10/30/08) I hadn't laughed that hard since reading Gary Paulsen's Harris and Me. Why it tickled me I'm not sure. It could have something to do with the ungodly hour of night, the number of braincells in operation, or just the fact that I eat 7th graders for lunch.

Those of you who have seen me read from Guys Write for Guys Read know that I go into fits when I read these grossly immature shorts to my students. Sidenote: this year I was finally able to read Jack Gantos's "The Follower" to one class without pausing to wipe away the tears of laughter.

Another example of our low brow collectivity occurred a few weeks ago when, while talking about creating tone and voice in writing, I told my 9th graders that there were two words that would cause them to laugh any time I said them in class. They didn't believe me, and even tried to prepare themselves against it. Stone-faced, they dared me to make them chuckle.

"Fart. Naked."

No context, no running gag or punchline--just two words.

They held strong for just shy of a millionth of a second before the boys started snickering. I said them again and before long, no one could keep a straight face--girls included. One pubescent geek started into one of those laughs where his whole body started shaking, but no sound came out. You know the one I mean? You're not quite sure whether he's laughing or having an epileptic fit? Yep, that's the one. His face started turning red, tears streamed, and we started to fear that he might literally bust his gut (not a pretty sight). He had to be reminded to breathe. I sent him to go wash his face and collect himself, but much to the delight of his classmates, throughout the rest of the morning, he would not-so-quietly chuckle to himself.

My inner imp wants me to say those magical giggle buttons in my 7th grade classes, but if I do, I'm afraid I'll have to clean up a stale smelling spill shortly thereafter...and that's not funny; at least not until I tell the story later. If it gets too bad, I'll just have to go back to making poison instead.

P.S. I'm starting a writing club just for boys in January.

Sorry it's so disjointed. I'll probably just remove this later.

Kurt Vonnegut's Rules for Writing Short Stories

I found these online and sent them to some teaching friends. I've had a few requests in different formats, so I thought why not post them here--they're about writing, so why not? Perhaps, from time to time, I'll post tips about writing as well as continuing to post my own crap.

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
4. Every sentence must do one of two things -- reveal character or advance the action.
5. Start as close to the end as possible.
6. Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them -- in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

Just a side note, Vonnegut was quoted saying that great authors will often break all of these rules except for the first.

Mr. Anson's Rules for Writing

1. Be afraid—be very afraid.
2. Mr. Anson is always right (most of the time).
3. Mr. Anson does NOT do cute.
4. Don’t take Mr. Anson too seriously (unless he says so).
5. Read.
6. Reread.
7. Proofread.
8. Read it aloud.
9. Read it again.
10. Don’t feed the bear.
11. Rhyming is overrated.
12. Always carry a pen.
13. Write.
14. Rewrite.
15. Revise.
16. Try again.
17. One more time.
18. Don’t put the bear to sleep.
19. If the bear is hibernating, leave him alone.
20. Conflict is essential.
21. Never throw away your writing.
22. Don’t force the rhyme.
23. Balance.
24. Don’t poke the bear with a stick.
25. Don’t be afraid to work hard.
26. Don’t be afraid to play hard.
27. Learn all the rules.
28. Use the force
29. You have to know the rules before you are allowed to break them.
30. The rules are subject to revision, change, or complete overhaul whenever and however the bear feels.


This is based on a prompt I had my creative writing students do a few years ago. They had to come up with a personal set of rules for a particular situation or activity.